When special-needs kids get teased, what to do?
Parents' emotional support is key. Prepare strategies to minimize the child's pain and the taunter's payoff.

By JUDITH LOSEFF LAVIN
Tribune Media Services

Most of us have experienced painful remarks at one time or another during childhood. But for the child with special needs - particularly one whose problems are physically apparent - those unprovoked comments are more than just painful; they're excruciating.

And for their families, they're enraging.

THE WHY OF TEASING

Why do people tease, harass, exclude? Why do they blame the victim? "There's a desperate need in the human soul to make sense of life," said Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."

"We cannot live with the notion that the world is chaotic. So in our efforts to assure ourselves that the world makes sense, we have to say there is a reason for the problem."

Many people are afraid of those who are different.

Then, too, there are parents who are immature and insecure. Those parents are hell-bent on making their child part of the "in" crowd - at any cost.

"Darla and Connie were good friends," said Connie's mom, Geri Bloom. Connie was burned on her body and face in an accident. She looks and sounds slightly different from other kids. Darla's mother threw Darla a party, inviting only those children she considered popular. Connie was excluded, and crushed."

Without support, the effects of taunts and other nonphysical abuses can be long-lasting. Stephanie Jordan, 45, who has cerebral palsy and had minimal emotional support growing up, still struggles to come to terms with years of harassment.

"At this point, the stares that other people gave me and insensitive comments that other people said are ingrained in me," she said. "That's one reason I have such a strong need for acceptance."

COPING WITH TAUNTS

Luckily, there are some things parents can do to help themselves and their children cope with teasing.

First, it's important to note that almost everyone gets teased at some point in their lives. Teasing is primarily an elementary school problem. Anything that's a tad different is suspect to certain children. Those children pick on, ridicule and ostracize the "standouts" to make themselves feel better.

Usually, when classmates are familiar with a child's personality, differences diminish or disappear. Former Angels pitcher Jim Abbott, who was born without his right hand, said: "Sure, I was teased. But you must remember that children sometimes have a tendency to laugh or make fun of something they don't understand. For the most part, once people understood I really was like everyone else, the teasing subsided."

There are many helpful things you can say and do to comfort a hurt child. Here's a list of ideas from professionals and parents who've been there:

Tell your child that taunters and bullies are usually unhappy and they're taking it out on other people. Some people use putdowns to distract themselves and others from their own insecurities.

Talking about the hurt alleviates the pain. Be careful not to merge your feelings with your child's. If you become filled with pity and overly emotional, he'll feel worse. Instead, help keep ugly comments in perspective by reminding him of his strengths.

Help your child share her feelings with you by not denying reality. Some parents tell their children not to feel bad or that the person who teased them didn't mean what he said. The truth is, that confuses the child because it denies reality.

Alert a teacher or supervisor who's on the playground or in the classroom.

Use humor to alleviate pain. "At home, we try to laugh about some of the crazy comments that have been made to my son, Garrick. He has some spasticity," dad Seth Daniels said. "I advise Garrick to use a humorous response when mean kids try to get his goat. We even practice humorous comebacks and snappy responses."

Empower him by giving him a positive vision of himself. Adele Faber, co-author of "Siblings Without Rivalry," suggests saying: "I'm glad you're not the kind of person who would tease anyone. You're the kind of boy who would see another kid with a problem and help - not try to make him more miserable."

Encourage your kids to look for kinder playmates. Academy Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin said: "Teasing came with the territory of being the only deaf kid on the block. To deal with it, I usually confronted the taunter, appealing to his sense of fairness. If I couldn't reason, I walked away and looked for other friends."

Acknowledge how hard it is to ignore the offender. Even though we all know it helps to ignore the offender, it's extremely hard to do - especially when we're angry and hurt. The teaser is after a reaction from his victim.

Explain that ignoring him will help, but that it's often impossible.

Faber says, "You could ask your child, 'do you think it might help if you pretended to ignore him?'"

Improve your child's self- soothing techniques. "Teach him to either count to 10, take deep breaths, or if necessary, use biofeedback to learn to slow down his heart rate and relax," said Wendy Anker, a psychotherapist in Highland Park, Ill.

"Teach him to assert himself," Faber says. She suggests being straightforward and then moving on. Like this: "I didn't like that. Cut it out! But if you want to do something fun, I know a good game."

Confront the bully. Suggest that your child ask the harasser why he said what he did.

CURIOSITY

Not all kids' comments are meant to be cruel. Some children are curious about a condition or fearful that they will catch it, which calls for an explanation. Take Joanne Green, director of Wide Smiles Inc. and editor of Wide Smiles magazine, a publication for people with craniofacial differences and their families. She is also the mother of Joey, who has a cleft lip and palate.

"Before the school year began, I spoke to Joey's kindergarten class. Then the teacher and I made Joey the first Very Special Student of the school year to encourage his being included in play groups. I explained why Joey is Asian and I'm Caucasian. (I adopted three children - all with cleft lips and palates.) Second, I discussed his accomplishments, including baking his own cookies, traveling on an airplane, a boat, a bus and a train. After that, I tackled his cleft, explaining that when Joey was born his lip looked broken.

"I asked the kids, 'Does having a cleft make you bad? ... stupid? ... mean?' They said no. I agreed, reiterating that having a cleft just means that your lip doesn't grow together. Joey is very, very brave because he's had five operations. They looked at Joey with newfound respect."